men make people think that women wear funny pants

let me begin by saying that I have no problem with transvestites as people. But what I do have a problem with is their lack of fashion sence. I was just on my lunch break at the fancy market across the street from where I work. I was just taking a bite of cold meat loaf when I saw a man with long curly hair and a sparkly fitted tourquios top. Fabulous right? Wrong. He had paired it with parachute pants that appeared to be decorated with the galaxy. I was in such shock I could barely swallow my cold meat loaf! With all the glorious fashions and thrift store gems available to women (and men) one might think that if one would bother to dress as a different sex that one might want to do it justice. But if you don't want to that's okay too. I'm sure parachute pants are very comfortable. And by the way i'm a very tolerant person, fully accepting of all kinds of beauty and the glowing light within us all.

follow your bliss

I would like to take a moment for you all to congratulate me on my entry into the world of professional bloggery. That's right friends, i get paid for this now. I understand that it is the goal of many to make a living doing what they love. My advice to you is simply follow your bliss, even if that means following it home on a dark night while staying a safe distance behind it so as not to frighten it. Chase it like it owes you money, slept with your lover and made off with your junk. Even if it tries to file a restraining order, you tell your bliss that you won't take no for an answer and the law doesn't scare you. I forgot what i was talking about....oh! you're probably wondering how I pulled this off, right? Well, here it is: I work in an office and when the phone isn't ringing I don't have to do shit thus it frees up my time to follow my bliss at a humble rate of $9 an hour. Jealous?

I turn to my readers for help

Good morning! This is going to be a quick one. Today, I am going to be asking you, my readers for information. I know it's out of the ordinary but forgive me, I need your help.
Here is my pickle: I need to make money by May. You see, I would like to return to Morocco and do some more frolicking. Unfortunately this is not a charity mission otherwise I would simply ask for more donations for the N.L Malinoff Foundation. I need something on a par with selling eggs but a little less icky, also something that doesn't require one to have good genes, but something that makes about the same amount. Keep in mind that i don't want to do anything too degrading, but I'll go pretty low. You're probably thinking 'get a job you bum!' I'm one step ahead of you, i have one, but it doesn't start until January and it hovers only slightly above minimum wage.
For idea submissions please use the comment section of my blog. And for those of you that don't want to do it that way please e-mail me....um...something seems fishy about posting my e-mail address on such a public widely viewed page.... If you can crack this code then you can avoid the complex comment section: First letter of the name of my foundation + last name + yahoo.com. And please refrain from sending my information on how to get cheap meds or fake Rolex's or penis enlargement devices. Thank you for your time.

Getting back into the saddle of leaning and riding off into the academic sunset

Good afternoon. As most of you may no I've had a bit of a checkered academic past. I sort of have a slight tendency to suck at things and then drop out. I can forgive me for it, can you? Well I've decided to get back in the saddle again because when you fall down you can only lay there weeping for so long until your muscles atrophy and you are forced to get back on that horse and ride. And ride i shall. I am giving it the old community college try. I am enrolled in not one but 2 classes! Please hold applause untill the end. And believe it or not I started out with 2 more classes but one was cancled on me and the other.... well, the other was Arabic and the instructor was a little too quirky for me. The first hour of class was spent fiddling with the projector and then coming up with a lesson plan. He finally launched right into the alphabet which to me, felt backwards. knowing maybe 3 words in Arabic left very little for those pretty lines to stick to so they just sort of fell out. And then half way through the instructor says 'who would like to get me some orange juice?' The room fell silent. At that moment I remembered the hidden jewel that is the language tape so I decided to go that route and save my money. So the 2 classes I am left with are religions of the middle east, which has a required text so you know it's serious, and creative nonfiction which is just fantastic. So there ya go. It's not yale but it's pretty damn close.
In other news this gal has a birthday coming up here in 17 days. I'm going to be 24. This has been Great Achievements with your host Ms. N.L Malinoff. Thank you for joining us.

the trials of nicole

I would like to begin by apologizing for my sudden absence from your lives. I'm sorry to have forced you to survive the summer on my meat story alone. You all probably have mental scurvy by now you poor things. But don't you worry because i'm back and I've brought provisions!
Part 1: The Hedge, Late June
It was about mid-early in the morning and I was awoken from a peaceful slumber by some sort of power tool. Outside of my window I see some strapping young gentlemen removing a beautiful overgrown blackberry hedge that seperated our apartment building from a much less attractive one. The rage was bubbling inside of me before I even had a chance to make coffee! And yes, that does deserve an exclamation point! After stewing in my angry juices all day I decided it would be a perfect oppertunity for a cause. And being unemployed for two months, I had the energy to obsess the way one does when they are truely passionate about something. well, anyway...it sort of fizzled out so I just wrote a letter and left town a few days later. I hear they put up a fence or something.
Part 2: The Fiery Chasm From Whence I Came
For whatever reason, ever sence I moved off island I keep compulsively returning for summers. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...... this is the part where I may have discussed working at the bakery or whatever. you missed nothing in my absence.
Part 3: Iowa
A few weeks ago I went out to Iowa with my boyfriend to visit his family and attend a truely awkward wedding. This was my first time in iowa and my first encounter with his family who he overwarned me about and because of it I was shaking on the plane. They all turned out to be completely lovely people. It's just a very different culture from the politically correct, health concious west that I have grown so accustomed to. The thing I was most taken with was how much summer in the midwest felt like one of those romantic movies that I'm so ashamed to like. You know, small towns, sunsets, cherping insects, pick up trucks, an internal conflict between getting out of this po dunk town and staying to take care of the disfunctional family, some sassy girl showes up who's 'just passing through' and they fall in love and the he's a jerk to her because of his broken soul. Kind of along the lines of 'whats eating gilbert grape.' In no way did my experience reflect this but I secretly pretended it did which made the journey all the more interesting.
Part 4: Present Day
Gathering cash to return to Eugene and get a little academic for a while. That is all. Thank you for your time and focus.

Today I'm going to tell you about meat.....
Hi. I was a vegetarian for many years until I discovered how delicious meat really is. After that when I ate it I just sort of choked down the guilt. And it goes down smooth. Lately I've been toying with the idea of letting the whimpering vegetarian inside of me out into the world again. It made sense for a while as I was always a bit carnephobic when it came to cooking it or handling it in any way. Last night I conquered what I like to refer to as the Mt. Everest of meat. Yes friends, I cooked a steak and I cooked it good. Damn good. My culinary student boyfriend said it was a perfect medium. I oiled up the pan, laid down the slabs, massaged it with fresh sage and thyme and finally drizzled it with balsamic vinegar and put it in the oven for I don't remember how long. And guess what? I didn't use a recipe. After I devoured it and finished sucking on the hunks of fat that lay lifeless on my plate, I sat there drinking my wine and digesting, swollen with pride. I felt as though I had trapped and speared the great beast myself. And in a way I guess I did. The moral of this story is simply that I'm wonderful and if you want to be wonderful too just ask me how. Thank you for your time. This concludes my presentation on meat.

Waxing and waning,.but mostly just waxing

I´m so sorry to have kept you all in suspence for so long. I swear i never meant for this to happen. Forgive me?
Well, the rumours are true. Wait. Depending on which rumours you have heard. Yes. I have been in Morocco for the past 2 weeks or so staying with the greatest host ever. Okay. He´s definitely in the top 2. And hosts and hostess´are in seperate categories by the way. But an amazing host just the same. He speaks arabic fluently enough to explain a particularly complex south park episode to someone who has never seen it, he arranges arabic lessons so that we too might one day be able to explain south park episodes, he leads us swiftly through the labrynth of the medina and intruduces us to generous families who assualt us with food and hospitality. I might be the only person to return from Africa a little heavier than when i left home.
It has been quite an adventure. I drank tea with nomads, successfuly haggled, got my first pedicure and wax, discovered a piece of someone elses fingernail in a mouth full of yogurt and many other magical things that cannot be shared for fear of making them less magical and stuff.
right now I´m in the middle of a two day layover in my former stomping grounds of Barcelona. By stomping grounds I mean place I stayed for about a month 3 years ago because I was somewhat drunk and therefor could not come up with a clear exit strategy. I hope to be wiser this time. I hope to be able to defend myself from the cruel and merciless euro and stay away from the powerful vortex of falafels and debauchery.
Tomorrow I´m off to Croatia and possibly Bosnia depending on if i feel like being on a bus for 5 hours and navigating a new city.
I will try to keep my mountain of adoring fans updated. I want you all to know that i deeply appreciate your loyal fanship.