Business Casual Part ll: When Charm Attacketh!

Guess what? No really, guess. ..... .... Okay fine! I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right. This little lady has charmed the pants off of three individuals in charge of a brand new deluxe vegan restaurant. It's going to be a challenge for me to get past my deeply rooted mistrust of the vegan as a species, but for money i can do it! ' But how did she do it?' well, I'll tell you. she... i mean, I put on my finest business casual, which means black pants, uncomfortable shoes and something that doesn't reveal a bra strap. I walked in and revealed nothing but charm and pure, untouchable fabulousnous! I would like to take this moment to publicly thank Alia Dumonde (that's right, of The Alia Trip) who once said "The only interview you dress down for is when you're applying for food stamps or welfare." Well said you beautiful genius.

Comeback Tour

Hello friends! I've returned from a long absence once again as I love to do. I'm like Cher that way. You know, always having a comeback/farewell tour to increase fans love for me and my ravishing outfits. And by ravishing outfits I mean gripping words. I bet you are all dying to know what I've been up to.
I was back on my native island paradise for the summer working, but not that much. And now I'm back in my semi-urban not-paradise being unemployed. It's so sweet! I am absolutely loving going around to business' and begging them to evaluate me based on a piece of paper and the magnitude of my smile only to have them say 'no thanks' and heave my broke, rejected ass back to hopelessness. Can you hear the loud splash of my tears hitting the keyboard as I write this? I can. Fuck employment! Oh..... fuck poverty as well. I'm confused....
On a lighter note I've decided to dive deep into the cut throat world of academia. That's right, belly dancing. A great middle eastern art that centers itself around swishy fabrics, big jewelry and jingling things. Okay...bye

thankyou for your patience

Let me begin by apologizing for depriving my cyber-fans of my glorious wit and brilliance for the past month. I was busy shining my light on the 'real world.' During all of my glowing, i have made the decision to spend my summer on the watery island from whence i came. Here I will be working, hopefully as a juice merchant, and house sitting at a glorious house with some garden watering and cat feeding. In this time, i also plan to return to my roots as Actor Extraordinaire a.k.a Sweet Dude. I will be filling you in as soon as an interesting event unfolds. Until then I suggest you read the alia trip.

22.5

To many of you this is just an ordinary Saturday, but to me this is an almost special day. Yes, that's right. Today is my half birthday! You may think that birthdays don't come in halves but you are so wrong. Today I'm going to get out there and have a mediocre day. I'm going to light a half melted birthday candle and stick it in a muffin. I'll blow it out and make a wish and tell someone what I wished for. I'll buy myself a halfway decent gift and see if one of my friends will hand it to me. It will be kind of good.

parade of normalcy

I was recently verbally assaulted by a pale skinny woman on one of my days out and about in polite society. She was screaming the dangers of Johnny Cocheran at me which i did not appreciate. 'What ever happened to 'Good Crazy?' I asked myself. I have fond memories of being stopped by a smiling smelly man who just wants to take you out dancing or read you some poetry. It always provided me with just enough of a flavour of 'the street' to remind me that I was in a diverse town. But this lady left a bad taste in my mouth. Why must she rain on my parade of normalcy with her insane chatter? Doesn't she know that it's really disturbing? And why can't she take a lesson from the happy, well adjusted outcasts of society?
In closing, I would like to take a moment to personally thank the vagrants who make us smile. And to the vagrants who frighten us, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

cha-ching!

At this time i have been unemployed for over a month. But as it turns out I don't actually need a job. Yesterday I went to the bank to deposite a refunded rent check and to look at the status of my poorness. But to my delight and surprise I had about a thousand dollars more than i thought possible. 'but how?' I asked the peppy teller. she printed me out a record of all activity and it all seemed to match up with my fuzzy memory of spendings and winnings. I came up with two possibilities. One: I do math at a preschool level. And two: I have what is commonly known as a 'money fairy.' It is a similar idea to the childs mythological 'tooth fairy' only the money fairy is real and not nearly as cheap, nor does she ask for anything in return. I'm so honored to have been chosen to sit on my ass and take advantage of her generous spirit. Thanks Money Fairy! Keep up the good work.

"Thank Uncle Suckah!" -Boston

The unemployment train is just kicking along at a nice, steady pace. i've been on this train so long I'm beginning to think I should have invested in a sleeper car. Instead I got myself some food stamps. It's going to taste so much better now that the government is paying for it. 'Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you.'
I recently had an interview at a place that will remain nameless but for the sake of this blog we can call it "Barrys Espresso." It was a snowy morning in late February, I believe it was a Wednsday. I had just hurried my wee ass across town to make it on time (or rather 8 minutes early.) Barry came out of hiding, shook my hand and sat down. I reached in my purse to pull out my resume, he took another look and said ' so it looks like you've done this kind of work before. Has your disability ever been a problem for you?' I answered honestly 'i'm a little slow at first but anyone who's training at a new job would have this same problem.' 'I'm sorry, it's nothing personal, but this isn't going to work.' He said. I couldn't say anything because my brain started vibrating with rage. He might as well have said 'my name is Barry and i hate women, black people, jews, gays and above all the....you know....fumbly wumblies. ' So I ask my four readers in the greater lane county area to please avoid spending money at Barrys Espresso. I mean 'Barrys Espresso.' And if you should get the urge to throw a brick through his window I will not object. But please do not mention my name in connection with that incedent. Thankyou for your time.

'business casual' doesn't get you shit

It's pouring down rain today, because God likes it when I am inconvenienced. My walk to work was less than pleasent. So for that i will contribute to global warming. Take that! Oh who am I kidding? I don't drive. I can't globally warm anything. Except for hearts of course. Speaking of warming hearts, I had a job interview yeaterday! It was for a swanky coffee place. I got all dressed in my finest "business casual" (tasteful sweater and some very minimalistic jewelery). I devoured that interview like a carcas! Unfortunately I have no barista experience (unless of course you count the meticulous wisdom from my mother. you know, adjusting the grind according to the barometric pressure.) but she was looking for someone who could do'latte art' a.k.a 'the fun part.' She only had a week to train someone in the art of the latte and thats just not enough time for someone with no experience. So I told her to suck my fat one and walked out. But it's fine because I have today and tomorrow of work at the gallery so I'm totally covered. I'm sad. I can feel the poverty sinking in. Looks like I'm just gonna have to get out there and shake my money maker. Thats right. Stripping.

happy v.d day!

My loyal readers and adoring fans, I have something to share with you on this day of v.ds.I mean valentines. Aside from christmas and, lets be honest here, probably your birthday, this is the lonliest day of the year. The day that we are all instructed to slip into something uncomfortable and spend our hard earned poverty on those willing to sleep with us. Lets look on the bright side, if you are not participating in the physical act of love you are most likely avoiding AIDS and other things that cause you to itch and burn. So curl up with a movie and a big ol' jug o' wine and thank your lucky stars that you are alone.

we are the health department

There's a little mom and pop operation here in town, (or rather sad man and quiet woman operation). The outside is painted green and white and has clowns and balloons and novelty sized candy displayed elegantly in the windows. The inside is very quiet except for the hum of some peppy 1950s pop music. It's like you walked into your sixth birthday party in 195o-something and nobody bothered to show up.
For the past few thursdays my dearest friend Alia (you may know her as the creator of 'The Alia Trip' and the reader/comment writer of my blog) and myself have made it a habit to begin our 'grand days out' at this very establishment. Last week we decided to do an experament where we placed a smeer of katchup under the napkin dispenser to see if it would still be there the following week. This would give us an idea of the sanitary nature of what we had been consuming. My dear, sweet, loyal readers i'm afraid i have some bad news; the katchup had not been removed. But don't worry, our constitutions are sturdy and we have not gotten sick. Either way, your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated. It looks like we'll have to dine elsewhere from now on. i'm sad to leave what we refer to as 'the creepy clown place.' we had some good times there.
In other news, I joined a canadian rap duo called the fellowship of the bling. Although i'm not actually Canadian, i sure know how to rap like one. See you at the grammys bi-otch!

the smell of hope

this morning i encountered a full grown man carefully and skillfully walking backwards. i must say, it turned my frown upside-down. thank you good sir! alas, my frown has righted itself once again. i am still waiting to get on the employment train headed for greener employment pastures, where you get paid above minimum wage for plowing these green pastures. i'm holding out now for an art supply store. i handed my resume to a waif-like, red headed young man with the sweetness of a grandmother. he likes his job. he is sorrouned by the tempting smell of paints, adhiesives and freshly sharpened penciles. All coming together to create the aroma of success and creative genius. speaking of smells, i've discovered that little ol' eugene is beginning to sweat some more urban fumes, such as pee and sometimes barf! this thrills me as this town was said to once sport anarchists and other types that make people nervous. before moving here, i was fantasizing about telling tales of 'the bad part of town' that i braved one night and fought off a mugger. i was greatly disappointed to find that there really isn't one. but every time i pass through a cloud of stench a new hope washes over me. and it is my wish for all of my faithful readers that today, you pass through your very own hope filled stench cloud. thankyou for your time.

fasten your seatbelts

welcome friends! i'm so happy you could join me today as i take you on a wild ride through this dark tunnel. luckily i've brought along my glowing brilliance to light our way. i hope everyone brought a sack lunch and a good book. we will be departing shortly so make sure to fasten your seatbelt and introduce yourself to your seat partner. here we go........
so it turns out i'm at work right now a.k.a the place where i go a'internetting. i have just looked outseide to see this day of unseasonable warmth come to a close. but at least i got see it reflected in glass figurines and inspirational paperweights. i'm looking for a new job. yesterday i deposited me resume at a lingerie shop called (drumroll please.....) the freudian slip! i don't know about you but that makes me giggle. i can just see it now, wrapping little undies in tissue paper for nervous husbands, informing anyone heading for a dressing room of the disposable thongs to prevent your naughty parts from rubbing on the merchandise, telling people about micro-fibers and things that need to dry flat..... it could be grand. my second stop on the frivolous gifts employment train. but i guess as long as i'm on the employment train it doesn't really matter. oh! i see....off in the distance......a dark figure. hark! a customer! i'm off.